I’m a huge believer in owning your sexuality, your sexyness, whatever makes you feel good, etc. I think it’s healthy, it’s fun, and it’s great for your confidence. (So long as you’re safe, responsible, etc. etc.) But as a young adult, I always felt suuuuuuper awkward “flaunting” myself in any way that could ever be deemed “sexual” or “sexy”. I felt awkward for being open about it. I don’t know why I felt that way, I just.. did.
In my last relationship, I had a very very hard time feeling sexy and I blamed it on my chronic illness, weight gain. But since moving home, I’ve sort of reclaimed a piece of me I thought I lost. While still being sick. And still being 40 pounds heavier than what I’m used to. Which lead me to think – and I got lost in the black hole of my fucking mind once again. Bouncing around from one idea to another without completing any actual thought, just trying to figure out why I felt this why. Why all of a sudden do I feel so good about myself?
When you surround yourself with judgemental people – whether it’s obvious to you, or not – you close yourself off. You pick up on these slight little responses from people that make you feel, well, stupid.
So, when you do something that is so you, or you try something new, or you try to connect to yourself in a sexual way, and you’re either rejected, made fun of, laughed at (the list of negative responses could go on) – you close yourself off.
Even if it’s something as small as an eye roll when you start belting your favorite song in the car – if it happens enough times, and in response to enough of the little things you do, you subconsciously close yourself the fuck off to avoid the negative response.
Enough times that you’re no longer the person you were or want to be.
It’s something I did a lot and never totally realized. I acknowledged these responses enough to be like, “okay, never do that again.” But I didn’t ever see it as something that was hurting my self esteem.
Never settle for someone that makes you feel silly or stupid for being you in your own skin, trying to connect to a more sexual side of yourself, or trying to evolve as a person. Because if this person is meant to be in your life, they will encourage you, and evolve with you. Not stifle you with responses that make you feel like maybe you’re wrong for what you’re doing.
Whether you’re fresh out of a messy divorce, just out of a relationship, or even if you’re just finally coming into your own as a person, know that you can always revert back to a person you used to be. You can always evolve into someone new. That’s the beauty of it all, really. You can do whatever you want, you can be whatever you want, you can feel however you want.
Reclaim who you are or who you want to be, reclaim your sexuality- own it, and enjoy it.
If that means sleeping with someone new or exploring your sexual freedom, then do it.
If that means showing the online world your butt on a good day, do it.
If that means doing or sharing something sexy or talking about things you wouldn’t normally talk about because it’s “inappropriate” fucking do it.
Because you can. Because you want to. Because.. why not?
You’re not hurting anyone by serving and loving yourself in this capacity- never ever forget that.