Growing up, my dad always told us,
“never rely on a man.”
“make your own money.”
“be your own person.”
And those words always sat in the back of my head, of course. He made for damn sure they did, LOL. And it’s not that I didn’t trust his words or judgement, I think I trust his over anyone else’s in the world. Things just get weird and skewed and warped when you fall in love. It’s stupid, really. We shouldn’t be allowed in relationships until we’re mentally mature enough to handle the bullshit that comes with them. WHO LET ME DO THIS?
I got comfortable in my relationship. Comfortable enough to let my walls down and open myself up entirely to another person.. which I don’t think is easy for anyone to do. It comes with trust, time, and experience. But I got dependant. Emotionally, mentally, financially.. he wanted to take care of me. I was hesitant because it went against everything I was taught, but eventually, I let him. I stopped being so independent and I started needing him for things that I knew I could do and handle myself because that’s what you do in a relationship, right? You’re part of a team?
I was totally setting myself up for failure because when I was least expecting it, everything fell apart. And when that happened, I literally felt as though my entire life was falling around me. This person that told me he would always be there, disappeared without hesitation. This person that wanted to take care of me decided it wasn’t for him anymore, and left me to take care of myself. And for a second, I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t think I could live without him. I didn’t think I could grow and handle life without him. I didn’t think I’d make it anywhere without him because.. well that’s how I felt. He was my PIC, my person, my rock, my guide, my conscience, my ground when my head was too far in the clouds.. how would I get anywhere without him there?
Lucky for me, my dad taught me to do so, and like muscle memory, the bad bitch came tearing through wherever I hid her inside of me, and I’ve been doing… so well. Surprisingly.
I thought if that relationship ever ended, I’d hop on a plane to somewhere and start over. Try to make sense of my life where no one knew who I was because obviously if things ever went bad between us, I’d be totally lost, right? But shockingly, after about a week, the things that I wanted came flooding to the forefront of my brain. Where I want to live, what I want to do, the kind of life that I want. I wasn’t dealing with any kind of confusion about life like I thought I’d be. I quickly adopted this idea of my future that I got/still am so excited for.
Moral of the story: you’re all you have.
Because when the people you thought would be there forever, just aren’t anymore, you’re back to doing shit alone.. and you need to know how to do it. Yes, family and friends are always there for support, but when it’s 3 am and you’re stuck awake in the unfortunate company of your own thoughts, you need to be there for yourself too. You need to know how to cope, how to move forward, and how to love yourself without someone there to love you.
So, happy one month anni to .. myself. HA. I’m gunna love ma’self so good and make sure I end up in a place where I know for damn sure that I can be alone and I can be okay so this never happens again. I will never again let a man take any ounce of my independance from me and make me feel like I can’t live my life without them. That’s not who my dad raised me to be.