In the midst of what feels like a quarter life crisis, a complete rehaul on the structure of your entire life, and your entire being, I hope you choose the path of healing and reconstruction.
Life is weird.. and that in itself has become a staple saying you find yourself repeating on an hourly basis, if not more. Life.. is fucking weird.
In this period of questions, utter confusion, excitement, anxiety, and mourning, you find yourself longing for something nostalgic; something to make you feel an emotion other than the emptiness you feel in your gut. Looking back at your “youth” at 24 is a weird thing to do.. but in an attempt to compare your now to what you experienced at 18, you ponder that time.. extensively.
At 18, you were totally lost, but you had so much ambition in your heart. No, you didn’t do well in school, but you were so creative, and a joy to be around. You didn’t care about what your future held, because every possible outcome you could imagine was .. so fuzzy. So you lived life as best you could, had as much fun as you could, and made friendships that would eventually prove to withstand the test of time. Life was weird then and you thought as you got older, the clarity would start to take place and your picture would start to come together. But that only happened when you fell in love.
What did you do with the girl you were before that happened? The one who painted every day, was always creating, and wasn’t one to shy away from change? Sometimes when life gets too hard to figure out, it’s a lot easier find a way to just ignore it. Fall in love, ignore the prospects of your future – focus on someone else. What did you do with her when you found him? You stifled her ambition and forced her into a mold that you thought she wanted to be in. A mold you convinced her to crawl into. But that’s the weird thing about being a free spirit – there’s no mold. There’s an attempt at stability, and eventually a crash when you realize (or when someone forces you to realize) that that’s not how life is meant to be lived. Especially not yours.
You blamed every red flag you encountered on yourself and didn’t think twice – because, life was finally coming together. You’d be stupid to change something that was literally the foundation of your life, right? But that concept never even phased you.. no relationship should serve as the foundation of one’s life. That’s the quickest way to lose everything you love and know of yourself. But that’s exactly what you did. You hid from yourself under the guise of expectation and living the conventional life you were convinced you were meant to live.
You eventually began planning your entire future around another person’s life and career they had already created for themselves. What you’d go to school for, what career you’d work for the next 40-50 years, where you’d live and raise your children, where you’d retire, and never once did you question whether or not that was actually what you wanted. It was what you wanted because that’s what was going to work the best to keep your relationship intact and allow your future together to work out. Why you were always so quick to drop your happiness and your desires for another is beyond me, but you literally came out stubborn and eager to fall flat on your face in the name of learning some sort of lesson – even if it hurt like hell. So I can’t say I’m surprised you’re sitting in a coffee shop back in the town you swore you’d never live in again, writing about the life you thought you’d be living. You live and you learn.
What I’m hoping you learned here, is that you can’t put yourself second. You were selfish with your time, and your attention, yes, but you were so willing to give your entire life up so someone else could live their truth. And none of that is fair to anyone.
I hope dying your hair pink and re piercing your nose will let you live as if you were 18 again, even if only for a moment.
I hope the body positivity you learned through having someone love you even when you didn’t love yourself shows you that you’re worth loving, even when that dynamic is over.
I hope that you find your truth, embrace it, and dive in head first. Because that’s just the kind of person you are.
I hope you keep your heart open to the idea of loving again- even if right now, that feels next to impossible.
I hope you don’t allow this change make you bitter, no matter how angry you may feel.
I hope you let go of the guilt you feel at the idea of moving on.
I hope you realize the amazing things this change will bring to your future. Because comfort and convention were never your jam.
I hope you realize your potential.
Know that it’s never too late to be the person you should’ve been. Take the time to find that person again. And don’t make the mistake of shoving her into the blank spaces of your soul in exchange for the feeling of acceptance, comfort, stability, or even love.