Anxiety is a funny thing. You can be totally fine all day long – until you’re just not.

I wrote this from the Walnut Creek amphitheater in Raleigh, NC during the show – while I was roaming around by myself because I couldn’t handle the crowd of people near my seat.

I’m a huge Panic! At The Disco fan – I’ve been going to their shows whenever I could since I was 12. My sister bought us tickets to this show and we were really excited because they just released a new album and we’ve never been able to see them perform in a larger venue like this before.

I woke up this morning, cleaned the house a little, did some laundry, grocery shopped, and planned my packing for our trip to Wisconsin. I was fine all day even though I was rushing and totally not in the mood to pack or clean- I packed up my stuff for that night, because I was planning on staying in Raleigh and I left at about 1 – got to Raleigh just fine. Jordyn and I went to the Cupcake Shoppe (One of my favorite dessert spots in Raleigh!) and then we just went to her apartment and met up with her friends before we all headed out for dinner at the Beer Garden. I was fine through dinner. We ate, socialized, talked about music, life, and other things, and then we headed to the venue.

I got there fine, too. We parked and had to walk to the actual seating area – it was hot. I was fine. We got metal detected, I got my bag searched, and we got our tickets scanned. We found or seats, aisle seats! Score! We weren’t sitting with Jordyn’s friends though, so we traded our outside seats with a couple that was next to them so we could be closer. We listened to Andrew McMahon (Former lead of Jack’s Mannequin + a total dream *swoon*) and he was awesome – I was fine.

He finished his set, left the stage, and waiting music was being played. Have you ever been really drunk, and then when something bad happens you can literally feel yourself sober up? Like the fun party mood just disappeared and you were left with nothing but a weird feeling and no way out because you’re too drunk to leave? That’s sort of how I felt. The fun stopped for a while and the anxiety stepped in to entertain me.

The heat was almost unbearable. Stagnant. Hard to breathe in. The tips of my pinkies started to tingle but I tried not to think about it. I’ve been getting better at ignoring the physical manifestations of my anxiety as to not allow them to influence where my head goes. So I just sat, let my leg bounce, and played a game on my phone. My lips started tingling. Again, trying not to let this get to me, I continued on with what I was doing. The bad nervous feeling started in my stomach and moved into my head. I said I had to pee, and left my seat. I called my mom and talked to her for about 20 minutes while walking back and forth from one side of the lawn seating to the other. I did this 4 or 5 times until I got off the phone and claimed a spot on the grass for a few minutes.  As Panic’s time grew closer, the lawn area grew more crowded and I couldn’t stay. I stood up in the back and waited for them to take the stage.

When they finally came on, it wasn’t the distraction I was hoping it’d be. I was still feeling so consumed and uncomfortable. I left that spot and walked down the stairs to the food and bathroom area. I used the bathroom, stood in line for a water, left the line, walked a circle around the amphitheater, used the bathroom again, got back in line for a water, and then found a picnic table to sit at so I could try and relax myself. After about 5-10 minute, I got the nervous feeling in my stomach and I got up to walk my circle again. Repeat 5 times. I just saw them in December, and I still got to listen to them, so I wasn’t too, too disappointed, but I was just really frustrated with myself.

At this point I’m walking back and forth so much, I’m just waiting for a guard to stop me for suspicious behavior.

Around the end of Panic’s set, I started feeling better. When they were done, I met my sister – she wasn’t so interested in seeing Weezer perform, so we walked some, and then went to a picnic table until about 10, when we left.

We got back to her apartment and I convinced her to pack quickly so we could leave that night instead of me staying in Raleigh and us leaving in the morning. I think I was just dying to go home – so much so that I was willing to drive all that way, that late at night. We jammed out and got to my house safely.

As much as I hate my anxiety and the fact that my sister spent money for me to see a concert I only listened to, I literally “panicked” at the disco, you guys .. and it’s kinda funny looking back at it now.

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