The Future, Psychiatrist, GI, Travel plans

I am getting really excited for the traveling I’ll be doing this summer and all the fun things I’m looking at doing, but in the last year’s experience, that’s been the typical case before I spiral into an anxiety induced haze so I try not to let myself get too excited. Which is sad.

I have an appointment in May to see a psychiatrist. I’ve been fighting this for a long, long time. I keep hoping that maybe this will all just go away and I’ll be fine, but I think this is just where my life has taken me, and I just need to handle it and do what’s best for right now. And what’s best is not bailing out of trips and being miserable and sick every time I travel more than a few hours away from home. That’s not how I want to experience life. If I have to be on an anti-depressant for my anxiety for a couple years, or the rest of my life, then so be it. I’m so tired of fighting it, and I’m tired of hoping it will get better with self-talk and counseling, because I’m constantly being let down and it’s kind of a huge bummer. I’m hoping that with this appointment (and a few more, more than likely) we can figure out what it is I need to fix this mess.. I’m also hoping that after all my tests/procedures for my Crohn’s disease are complete and I can start treatment + start feeling better, that my anxiety will calm the hell down. We’ll see. It’s hard to tell where everything is coming from when there’s so much else going on.

So I’m hoping May will be the month of good health so I can enjoy my summer with my sanity and consciousness (the fatigue I have right now is un-be-lievable). There is so much I want to do, especially after feeling like I can’t do anything for so long.. I’m sort of feeling like I have to do a trillion things to catch up with myself.. I’ve been planning like a crazy person, finding things to do, see, watch, climb, boat, fly, whatever kind of adventure there is, I need it. The last year (almost) with my anxiety and Crohn’s being on a downward slope has sort of made me feel like I’ve been tied up and trapped in a small hole behind bars, and watching life go on in front of me. Watching opportunities pass me by. Having to say “no” because I’m too exhausted or because I know my anxiety wouldn’t allow it. It’s given me a lot of time to reflect and think about my life and such, which I wouldn’t trade for the world, I really wouldn’t. I’ve learned so much about myself and it’s been so enlightening. But it’s still probably the worst feeling in the entire world. Worse than any physical pain I’ve ever experienced. I found a little journal I was keeping when this all started and I wrote that I would take back my abdominal pains in a heart beat to make the anxiety go away. My abdominal pains. The ones that had me ready to pass out in the middle of a patient work up. Near vomiting, sweating, clenching my teeth. Unable to work. Move. Stand up straight. There’s something that would make me want to take those back!?!?! Lord help me.

Today Kyle is coming with me to Raleigh to get a couple more blood tests done, one of which I’m a little nervous about. It’s going to tell him where I’m at with my disease and it will basically spell out where I’ll be in 5, 10, 15 years etc. if I keep on with the medication I’m currently taking. It’s just kind of a scary idea.. I’m not too thrilled to hear what it will say. I will definitely be treating myself with a cafe visit + maybe a downtown walk. We’ll see! The initial appointment with this doctor was so overwhelming I couldn’t think about it without crying. I was dreading literally anything that had to do with it, but the more excited I get about living my life as a healthy individual, the more excited I get about the not-so-fun steps that will take me to that point. So I’m feeling positive. I’m feeling… excited. Ready to be done with all of this, really, and ready to feel like myself. It’s hard to distinguish myself from my symptoms anymore, I can’t tell if I’m just changing as a person and that’s why I go to bed so early, and can’t stay out, drink, exercise, etc. or if it’s my disease and being so exhausted all the time. It’s ridiculous. It will be kind of cool to see how I change once I start treatment, or if I do at all. It was neat to see it in my sister, that’s for sure. I just hope I can experience that kind of help with new medication like she has.

In time.

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  • My dad left a bag of my grandmothers post cards from people over the last 40 years on the table this morning. I spent about an hour going through them and trying to read them. It was fascinating! Stamps from other countries, 1 cent, 20 cents, the Great Wall of China, the beautiful Amalfi coast. So so so cool.
  • Being chronically ill doesn’t make you a “burden”.
You’re not some unfortunate thing that happened. You’re not “less than”, an “inconvenience”, or “annoying”. You’re not your illness. 
What you ARE, is:
* Every bit as much a person as anyone else.
* A complete and total BADASS for handling the cards you’ve been dealt ON TOP of doing life just like everyone else.
* Deserving of a person that’s understanding, supportive, and doesn’t make you feel GUILTY for things that are beyond your control. 
And I hate that this is something I have to constantly remind myself of.
📷 @kaylalajean
  • I wrote a bit today on drinking apple cider vinegar and the benefits I’m hoping to take advantage of by making this part of my daily routine! A lot of people swear by it, so if you’ve ever been curiousssss, you can find it on the blog 🌿
  • RUFF C’s
  • it’s been such a hard week and it’s only Tuesday
  • There’s a new blog post on W&L with photos of this blue & white flannel dress! (Thanks @shoppinkblush )
  • I am feeling SO good today! 👏🏼 I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I feel the way I do at this point in my life and I’m learning. I’ve said it a million times & I’ll say it again for good measure: the relationship you have with yourself is so. important. Nourish it, feed it, watch it blossom. And youll surprise yourself when the time comes that the universe tests your strength. #reallifeis #yearofyou #selflovesoldier
  • Last night I fought consciousness HARDDDD- but still managed to fall asleep before 3am. 🎉 and I got up early, grabbed coffee with a friend, and came home to have a productive afternoon of catching up on work. I might pop on my stories for a little bit to word vomit some more but we’ll see. 🙄 #happythursday #reallifeis
  • Over it. 
Where’s my sunshine.
I want to sunbathe like a lizard.
  • It’s healthy resolution season and I’m keeping my pearly whites clean with the @waterpik toothbrush from my @babbleboxxofficial wishlist from last month! It’s a water flosser and triple sonic toothbrush all in one neat little counter topper. #wishlistbbxx #ad #waterpik
  • can’t feel my knees
  • so many holiday things happening and literally aaaalll I can think about is the ocean.