I am getting really excited for the traveling I’ll be doing this summer and all the fun things I’m looking at doing, but in the last year’s experience, that’s been the typical case before I spiral into an anxiety induced haze so I try not to let myself get too excited. Which is sad.
I have an appointment in May to see a psychiatrist. I’ve been fighting this for a long, long time. I keep hoping that maybe this will all just go away and I’ll be fine, but I think this is just where my life has taken me, and I just need to handle it and do what’s best for right now. And what’s best is not bailing out of trips and being miserable and sick every time I travel more than a few hours away from home. That’s not how I want to experience life. If I have to be on an anti-depressant for my anxiety for a couple years, or the rest of my life, then so be it. I’m so tired of fighting it, and I’m tired of hoping it will get better with self-talk and counseling, because I’m constantly being let down and it’s kind of a huge bummer. I’m hoping that with this appointment (and a few more, more than likely) we can figure out what it is I need to fix this mess.. I’m also hoping that after all my tests/procedures for my Crohn’s disease are complete and I can start treatment + start feeling better, that my anxiety will calm the hell down. We’ll see. It’s hard to tell where everything is coming from when there’s so much else going on.
So I’m hoping May will be the month of good health so I can enjoy my summer with my sanity and consciousness (the fatigue I have right now is un-be-lievable). There is so much I want to do, especially after feeling like I can’t do anything for so long.. I’m sort of feeling like I have to do a trillion things to catch up with myself.. I’ve been planning like a crazy person, finding things to do, see, watch, climb, boat, fly, whatever kind of adventure there is, I need it. The last year (almost) with my anxiety and Crohn’s being on a downward slope has sort of made me feel like I’ve been tied up and trapped in a small hole behind bars, and watching life go on in front of me. Watching opportunities pass me by. Having to say “no” because I’m too exhausted or because I know my anxiety wouldn’t allow it. It’s given me a lot of time to reflect and think about my life and such, which I wouldn’t trade for the world, I really wouldn’t. I’ve learned so much about myself and it’s been so enlightening. But it’s still probably the worst feeling in the entire world. Worse than any physical pain I’ve ever experienced. I found a little journal I was keeping when this all started and I wrote that I would take back my abdominal pains in a heart beat to make the anxiety go away. My abdominal pains. The ones that had me ready to pass out in the middle of a patient work up. Near vomiting, sweating, clenching my teeth. Unable to work. Move. Stand up straight. There’s something that would make me want to take those back!?!?! Lord help me.
Today Kyle is coming with me to Raleigh to get a couple more blood tests done, one of which I’m a little nervous about. It’s going to tell him where I’m at with my disease and it will basically spell out where I’ll be in 5, 10, 15 years etc. if I keep on with the medication I’m currently taking. It’s just kind of a scary idea.. I’m not too thrilled to hear what it will say. I will definitely be treating myself with a cafe visit + maybe a downtown walk. We’ll see! The initial appointment with this doctor was so overwhelming I couldn’t think about it without crying. I was dreading literally anything that had to do with it, but the more excited I get about living my life as a healthy individual, the more excited I get about the not-so-fun steps that will take me to that point. So I’m feeling positive. I’m feeling… excited. Ready to be done with all of this, really, and ready to feel like myself. It’s hard to distinguish myself from my symptoms anymore, I can’t tell if I’m just changing as a person and that’s why I go to bed so early, and can’t stay out, drink, exercise, etc. or if it’s my disease and being so exhausted all the time. It’s ridiculous. It will be kind of cool to see how I change once I start treatment, or if I do at all. It was neat to see it in my sister, that’s for sure. I just hope I can experience that kind of help with new medication like she has.