I’ve been thinking on this for a long time, because It’s something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. I’ve been wanting to write about it, but could never combine the right words to convey the thoughts and emotions that accompany the idea of it all exactly how I wanted to.
I always knew there were certain things I could deal with, but I always put it off.
I always knew I had a problem with this or that, but I didn’t bother with trying to fix it. For a combination of reasons, I suppose.
I let the negativity stay inside my mind for too long, ignored and neglected. Unprocessed. Spilling over into my heart, allowing it to change who I am as a person. Slow enough, and over a long enough period of time, that it went trashing through my soul completely unnoticed.
I’ve spent the last 8 months or so angry with myself for allowing my anxiety to control my life. Anxiety that I thought was new, and without reason. Some thinking and family conversation revealed that I’ve always been sort of an anxious being. And without allowing myself to deal with and process certain events and emotions, I was a volcano waiting to explode, and then I did.
Time doesn’t heal wounds, like I thought. Time forgets wounds. Time helps you forget, but a peaceful mind helps you to let go. Without allowing yourself to let go, you’re left with a brain full of loose ends just brewing negativity and uncertainty.
When you get to feeling so out of control, you have to take a second to reevaluate things. When you explode, Everything from the past comes back up and needs to be assessed and reconsidered. My problems are deeper than my physical insecurities. Self love is more than being comfortable in your physical form. I’m at the point now where my heart and soul need healing from within. Healing that only comes with self love and self acknowledgement. Before anyone, I need myself. Only I can fix the problem. I need to be on my own side. I need to believe in myself and make decisions that will better my soul and breed peace and positivity back into my heart.
Giving my worries to God and allowing myself to slow down and really put effort into improving myself, mind, body, and soul, is what will set me free from my anxiety. Learning to love myself is what will set me free from the self-created evils of my insecurities.
This year will be dedicated to my anxiety- for showing me the improvement that my entire being has been craving all this time. For showing me that the panic is merely the result of what I’ve allowed to go unaddressed for so long. An unfortunate byproduct of not taking care of my mental health when the issues were small and more manageable.
This is probably one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in the last (almost) 3 years since I entered my second decade on Earth. It is definitely one of the most difficult lessons to wrap my brain around, accept with an open mind, and embrace with a willing heart.