This could be considered a braggy boyfriend post.
Not because I feel like my relationship is better than anyone else’s.. I’ve just been thinking so much about my past relationships and the relationship I have now with Kyle and all of them compared to each other, because Kyle and I live together now and that’s a really big step, especially because I know we’ll get married one day. And I can’t help but to think about all things that have to work, and fall together to make two people want to be with each other for the rest of their lives and I started questioning past relationships and getting all into my feels about Kyle and being in love and what it means to me to love someone. mush.
I remember in the 10th grade, I would sit in my art class and contemplate my single status while I painted. I wasn’t exactly thrilled about it either. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16, so boys just weren’t even on my mind, really. I just remember having little school girl crushes on boys, and I was rather desperate for validation from my peers, but I was never really concerned with having a relationship. I don’t think I was ever thinking about a real relationship until I met Kyle. I had boyfriends in the past, of course, but not for the right reasons. I wanted a boy to make me feel better about myself, to tell me I was pretty. To have just so I could say, “I have a boyfriend.” A relationship shouldn’t happen out of convenience or just because. Or out of jealousy, revenge, a lack of self confidence, or anything like that. And when you don’t start a relationship with the right things in mind, things get a little messy. Or at least they did in every personal example I could give to support that claim. I think every past relationship of mine failed because it began with the wrong intentions. I’m totally guilty of getting into relationships because of the reasons I listed above. More specifically, a lack of self confidence and convenience. The first boyfriend I had just happened to be the first guy to give me any real attention in high school, and we ended up together for over a year. that’s insane! how? why? Not to say there weren’t any real emotions involved, there absolutely were and it was difficult for me get over, but I can’t ignore the fact that we had problems for a reason. Lack of maturity maybe? We had a 2-3 year age difference? Or the fact that our relationship together began on a foundation of insecurity, the need for attention and companionship, validation, and boredom. (though, I can only speak for myself). A shaky start that wasn’t ever acknowledged.
Kyle and I were a different story. We had kind of a tense start; a breakup, dating round 2, and then getting back together (to make the story 99% shorter hahaha). But once the questionable part of our history was over, we knew we were meant to be together. There was something between us we couldn’t ignore and we’ve been stupidly in love ever since. We’re built on history, an instant, natural connection, pure happiness, and honest fun. We’ve had to deal with long distance, busy schedules, not seeing each other for almost a month at a time, traveling, making decisions and sacrifices that would impact us both, and balancing all of that with school/work/family/and much needed alone time. It was stressful. But we never questioned it. It was just something we did because it was better than not doing it. And honestly, not doing it wasn’t even something we ever considered.
My relationship with Kyle has taught me more than I could have ever imagined it would. We may argue over silly things like passenger seat driving and who’s going to do the dishes, but our relationship has never lacked security, passion, love, trust, or promise. Neither of us have ever worried about the other being unfaithful or questioned our love for one another. And I think having a relationship lacking insecurity is important. It rids it of jealousy, negativity, and feeling the need to control one another. I’ve never felt ignored, neglected, or like he didn’t care. I know if I needed him, he would be there without a question. He would do anything for me. He would help me through anything and he would do it without judgement or making me feel guilty. He loves the things I hate about myself, and he makes me love them too. He knows when I’m fake smiling because I’m trying to hide my anxiousness, he knows why I’m quiet, he knows what to say and when to say it. I feel beautiful around him (even if I’m unshowered, greasy-haired, no makeup, and wearing the same sleep shirt for the 3rd night in a row) He’s considerate of my feelings. He’s the positive and realistic mind that my confused soul so desperately needed. He truly, honestly, loves me. (and I, him just in case that wasn’t understood.) We put each other’s needs and wants before our own and want so badly to make each other happy, that we’re both just ridiculously happy together. I couldn’t imagine being with a better man, or being a part of a better relationship.
And I think all those components come with a good foundation, maturity, finding someone worth giving it all to, and then caring to keep it up long enough to have some sort of commitment. And I know this is stuff you learn through experience but I can’t help but wonder what kind of heartache would’ve been saved had I known beforehand, you know? Not that I would’ve listened anyway, I’m so hard headed. I’m definitely a “I need to see and learn it myself” kind of person. A character flaw? Or a character WIN?! I know my parents probably enjoy hearing me say “YOU WERE RIGHT!” and “I UNDERSTAND NOW!” all the damn time.
Anyways, I feel incredibly lucky.